Confession

Last year around this time I bought a pair of corduroy pants. It was a meager attempt to be somewhat fashionable, and they were super comfy and cheap because I had an Old Navy coupon. Skipping ahead to January, I started the year with the desire to lose some weight (along with most of America, gotta love resolutions) and much to my delight my pants were quickly too big for me. I thought about getting rid of them but didn't want to be wasteful. My point to all this back story is that I tried them on again this week and much to my dismay they fit again. Usually a good thing when pants fit, this time not so much. Last Spring they were falling off of me, now they sit comfortably. Ugh. So, I would like to blame my good fitting pants on the following:
1. Starbucks/Zizzo's. If your darn latte's didn't taste so good then maybe I wouldn't be forced to drink them all the time.
2. Matty. How is it possible that you can eat limitless ice cream and drink gallons of Dr. Pepper and not gain weight?
3. My doctors, who jointly prescribed random steroids and hormones this year in an attempt to get me healthy and figure out some issues. I'll take the issues back as I prefer loose pants.
4. My wallet. If it had more money in it then maybe I could buy healthier produce instead of a 79 cent taco.
I guess I should be thankful that at least I don't have to buy new pants this winter!

Trick or Treat

So, with Halloween just a couple of days away I figured it was about time that I finish making Kendall's costume. We originally bought her a Jessie costume but it looked so cheap and the hat barely fit her big noggin so we took it back. Poor Kendall, two years in a row now mommy has made her costume and the boys get a bought one. Just one more thing to add to the therapy checklist. Anyway, yesterday I finally got around to finishing it (and starting it for that matter) and it turned out super cute! I mean, I can't sew and it is all put together with tape but hopefully it can last a couple of nights, right? Honestly I didn't sew it because I wanted to be able to take it all apart later so she can still wear the individual pieces, the fact that I can't sew has little to do with it.
This year's theme didn't happen, I knew my days were numbered. Camden is going to be a green alien from Toy Story (SO cute!) and KJ will be Jessie, but Bennett refused to be Buzz or Woody. Wake up and smell the 9 year old, way to advanced for that sort of kiddie costume. Instead he is going to be a Jawa, the red-eyed cloaked things from Star Wars. Not exactly cute and cuddly, but he is excited. And mommy is excited because the kids are now old enough to know which are mommy's favorite candies so when they go to a door that they get a choice of treats they always pick ones I like. I have the best kids ever!

Hurting

I knew parenting would be rough. Matt & I didn't go into this blind, we knew there would be tough spots along the way and still decided 12 years ago that we wanted kids. We heard all the warnings that parenting is like wearing your heart on the outside, it's not for the faint of heart, blah blah blah. We knew. But knowing and experiencing are two totally different things.
We have endured sleepless nights, sick kids, cranky "phases" (aka ages 2-4), and learned a lot along the way. We learned that with every step there is a fall, and then you look back and learn from what you did and move forward. We have taught our kids how to walk, talk, use the bathroom, etc. and are continually working on teaching them to love, respect, and be helpful. We know that in order to learn these things they need to experience them, so we try to show them love, kindness, hospitality, etc. As a parent you think these are the tough things to teach, until something happens that you can't fix. As a parent you realize that in order to learn how to heal, a child must first learn what it means to hurt. In order to learn how to succeed, they must first taste failure. In order to learn how to move from mourning to peace they must first understand what it means to grieve. In order to learn to trust God and have faith, they must be stretched in ways we cannot understand. My son is hurting now, and I feel like it is my fault. I know there is no easy fix for his pain, and I know that he will grow from this and learn a ton about himself and God and family, but right now he hurts. As a parent I want nothing more than to take all his pain away but I know that instead I need to try to give him tools to help him move forward, this is the hardest thing I think I have faced as a parent. I want him to understand that his pain hurts me too, but I don't want him to feel guilty or feel like he needs to hide his pain from me so instead I sit silently and hold him while he cries. We are both broken. And I know from my life experiences that we will move on and things will get better, but he doesn't yet, and it kills me that his perfect little world is starting to crack.
I know you may be totally lost reading this, and it probably doesn't make sense at all, but I just needed to get it out.

Sales and Shows

I officially survived my last garage sale this weekend. Okay, I know I always say I will never do another garage sale but this time I really mean it! I started to think about the number of hours I put in sorting and pricing, and the number of hours I spent setting up and haggling with customers, only to discover that I think I averaged a negative amount of money per hour. I didn't even know that was possible. And despite the fact that we got rid of a ton of stuff we still have way to much leftover garbage. How I wish I could throw some invisible paint on it all and it would all disappear.
After our garage sale and before we left for a weekend trip (I know, I really pack a lot into my weekends) Kendall had her American Girl Fashion Show call-back. I couldn't believe how quickly my attitude changed from casual and supportive mom to total annoying stage mom. It was a crazy Jekyll and Hyde moment for me. I kept whispering to her to smile and stand straight, it was like a foreign language coming out of my mouth that I couldn't stop. I am hoping to squelch my inner stage mom as we attend the dress rehearsals and shows; I may need to invest in some duct tape before then. Definitely.

Wicked

Ever wonder what this stay at home mom does when she has time at home alone? At the moment, other than blogging, I am listening to the Wicked soundtrack which is being blasted through my ipod. LOVE it. It is my favorite thing to do when I am here alone; I sing along at the top of my lungs while cleaning up. I am also secretly going through all my kids toys to get ready for the garage sale on Saturday, my own little version of being wicked I suppose. My kids are pack rats, someone has to help them de-clutter their lives! I am also watching our fish closely, as there was yet another "accident" this morning which is far too crazy to get into but I have a feeling both Inspector Fishy and Shiny may be taking a ride down the porcelain throne today and I do not want my kids to find them floating. Again.
Doesn't my life sound thrilling?

A Fish Story

This crazy lady that I know decided that it would be a good idea to give away Beta fish at her son's Great Barrier Reef birthday party in May. I don't know what she was thinking. First of all, it was a good thing one party guest didn't show up because we ended up needing an extra fish when after an hour one of the fish who had already been chosen and named had to make a visit to the porcelain throne. Then she she spent weeks with her stomach tied in knots knowing that every time the phone rang it could be a child in tears because their fish friend was "sleeping". Fortunately that only happened to one other one, until recently.
KJ and Camden shared one fish, "Tiny", and Bennett has his own named "Inspector Fishy". A couple of weeks ago Kendall and Bennett found Tiny, eyes wide and floating sideways, in his bowl. And of course, it was right before bedtime. It took me a good hour to calm Kendall's sobs as she mourned the loss of her favorite fish. I tried the whole "God takes care of all creation and you will see Tiny in heaven" but it didn't help. The next day we had to make another trip to the pet store for a new friend, and named him "Shiny". They were all excited because he is kind of different looking, a shiny silver blue, which I thought was really cool until yesterday.
Because we are trying to make sure Shiny lives a long healthy life, I decided to clean his bowl yesterday. During the process I learned something about Shiny, he is feisty and apparently wants to find a way home. I poured him in a cup to clean his bowl and when I went to pour him back he jumped out of the water (must have been a fish gymnast in another land) and landed on the bathroom counter. I think I screamed. All I could think of was the fact that Shiny had this "special" look and there was no way I would be able to fool KJ with a duplicate if he didn't survive. Not to mention Camden was helping me and the last thing I wanted to do was to have to teach him how to lie to his sister. Fortunately I was able to flip him back into his bowl and I think he has recovered. I must admit I even said a little prayer for him, desperate times call for desperate measures you know! Hopefully she won't find him floating anytime soon. And you wonder why we don't have a dog ;)

Coffee

Growing up I wasn't fond of coffee. Cream and sugar, yes, but coffee not so much. My distaste of coffee grew when my junior high English teacher drank black coffee, and breathed in our face when we had questions leading me to want to hurl. That being said, one of the beautiful aspects about my relationship with Matt was that we both shared this uncommon dislike of coffee. Friends and family were shocked when we got married and didn't register for a coffee pot, which is probably why we ended up with 5 crock pots. All that to say our world was turned upside down when our besties encouraged us to try new things at Starbucks until we found what we could tolerate. Thus, my love affair with coffee took shape. My darling iced grande nonfat white mocha (sometimes with a shot of peppermint at Christmas) has become a new friend. We look forward every year to Fall when our birthdays roll around and Christmas is here because we hold our breath hoping for gift cards to feed our addiction. All this back story is written to explain a bizarre dream I had last night.
Last weekend I decided to cut out carbs/sugar for a while. Shocking, I know, but I need to cleanse out my system. I have resigned myself to the nonfat sugar free vanilla latte, which is not even close to my darling drinks taste. So last night I had a dream that we went to the movie theater and saw a Starbucks outside. We snuck out to get coffee and I ordered the SFV but they made a mistake and I found myself drinking my white mocha. It was like pure joy being poured down my throat. When I woke up I realized that even in my dreams I can't stay on a diet. Suck.

New Look

So what do you think of the new look? I figured it had been ages, and if I was going to start blogging again I should do something new. Not that I actually did anything but press a button, but it seems somewhat impressive doesn't it?
I am not going to even bother playing catch up, but there is a lot going on in the Patterfam life that I will post soon. I don't have a ton of time today because I am getting ready for our third brownie meeting this afternoon. If you had told me when I was 9 years old, walking home alone on a cold dark night because my girl scout leader had forgotten to tell me that our meeting was cancelled, that I would someday be a brownie leader I would have laughed in your face. Or cried, given the circumstances. I must admit I kind of went into this kicking and screaming but I am having a lot of fun. Nothing like living out your childhood dreams through your kiddos, just one more thing that they will have to talk about with their therapist later ;)
Hope you all are doing well! I promise to post again soon!